Well At Least We've Never Had Them Before

Andrew Unterberger is a famous writer who invented the nickname 'Sauce Castillo' and writes for The Rights To Ricky Sanchez, as part of the 'If Not, Pick Will Convey As Two Second-Rounders' section of the site. You can follow Andrew on Twitter @AUGetoffmygold and can also read him at Billboard. 

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Have you stopped for a moment yet to consider just how historically dead the Wells Fargo Center is going to be next season? The home crowds were already pretty comatose for most of last year, the cumulative dampening result of five straight postseason disappointments -- but they slowly came out of it over the course the season, nudged awake by a couple they-never-win-that-game Ws and some historic Joel Embiid performances, on the way to Jo's best-ever regular season and first-ever MVP win. But this year? After that Game 7 loss, after Embiid's postseason pantsing (and regular season rival Nikola Jokic's all-time playoff run), with the entire franchise on the (loudly ticking) clock and James Harden very likely still sewing discontent on the sidelines? It's gonna be quiet enough for the players to hear the one dude catching up on his daily Duolingo from the back of the 200 level. 

Usually, the only way to keep a fanbase excited about a team this deep into their core's run -- this close to the end of it, some might say -- is new blood, a true roster shake-up. That's not what the Sixers are offering this year, of course: All five of their starters from last year's meltdown are back on the roster this year, even if one of them is going full George Consanza bodysuit man mode trying to get himself booted. What they are offering as a compromise, however -- best of luck with that -- are three totally new bench guys, to replace the outgoing departures of Sixers reserve stalwarts Shake Mitlon, Georges Niang and Jalen McDaniels: stretch five Mo Bamba, backcourt irritant Patrick Beverley, and now professional points-getter Kelly Oubre Jr. 

I don't know if any of these guys are actually difference-makers. I suspect they probably aren't. But I give the Sixers credit for this much, at least on the fan-engagement front -- at least we've never had any of these three types of guys before. 

Bamba is the type that Process Trusters have been clamoring for the longest, particularly in contrast to the majority of his predecessors. A backup center who can (supposedly) both stretch the floor and protect the rim? The Sixers have been avoiding those guys like the airline industry with peanuts; best not to let anyone even get that close to 'em, just in case. He may spend 13 minutes of his first 15-minute stint just kinda wandering around aimlessly, but the first time he jumps to contest an opposing guard's layup attempt -- and maybe even succeeds in altering the shot -- WFC fans might riot just out of sheer confusion; if he ever hits multiple threes in a game Morey might be put on trial for heresy (with 54-year-old Greg Monroe as lead prosecutor). I am genuinely curious how Joel Embiid is going to react to having this guy as a teammate. I'm sure Embiid is curious too. 

Patrick Beverley's paradigm-shifting for the Sixers is less about his player type and more about his attitude, of course. Frankly I don't even really remember all that much about him as a player at this point; pretty much all of his most iconic NBA moments have come against referees, cameramen and First Take co-hosts. But the Sixers have never really had that kind of veteran mic-hogger in the locker room before, particularly in the backcourt -- our backup guards have generally preferred over the years to silently underhwelm, with the exception of Shake's occasional moments of loud transcendence. And while we've certainly had unlikeable dudes on the roster before, we've been pretty light on outright antagonists. (Towards the opposition, at least; Jimmy Butler preferred to keep his antagonizing in-house.) He'll be like Georges Niang, except with the This Fucking Guy dial always at 10 regardless of if he's even on the court or not.

And now, we also have Kelly Oubre Jr. It's pretty hilarious to be adding somebody who averaged over 20 points a game last year to the roster in late September -- and not through any kind of blockbuster trade, but just as a scrap-heap hey-how-about-this-guy addition. I'm not sure if what this team was necessarily missing was a score-first, do-nothing-else-ever gunner off the bench, but again -- it's just not a player we've had before, at least not since Nick Young was signed to be the Kobe to Andrew Bynum's Shaq in Doug Collins' final season. Shake could get hot, Alec Burks could get conscience-less, George Hill could contribute absolutely nothing, but as far as I can tell Oubre will be our very first I Will Score 35 Points in 13 Minutes and You Still Won't Be Able to Tell if I'm Actually Good guy. 

Of course, you may be noticing a recurring theme here: I don't think any of these guys are actually gonna help us win ballgames. I was decently excited about Bamba before Mike O'Connor came at me with all the cold water in Lake Tahoe: "He is just unbelievably atrociously awful. I’m not at all convinced that he’s an upgrade over Dewayne Dedmon... He’s low motor, low-IQ, has terrible hands, doesn’t rebound, and is less agile than you think he is" yes yes ok FINE MOC have it your way he stinks. Of the three, Beverly is the one I'm the least excited to watch but the most hopeful will actually have some degree of positive impact: At least he's the only one of the three who's supposed to be EASIER to like if he's actually on your team. Oubre... let's just say I'm getting the File Not Found when trying to picture Dave Silver passing him the microphone as championship confetti rains down on the Wells Fargo Center. 

Whatever. We're not looking at these guys to get us over the hump this year. I can't actually remember at this point how we're planning on talking ourselves into us getting over the hump this year, or if such a conversation is even on the docket for this season in the first place. The best we can hope for with this trio is probably just that they distract us from Sixers frustrations of recent years for giving us new things to be occasionally excited and most frequently irritated by. Positive or negative, at least they'll give the home crowd something to buzz about when they're otherwise in the midst of doing their season-long cover of John Cage's "4'33."