Every Ex-Sixer in the Playoffs Ranked By How Much I'm Still Rooting For Them

Ish? Jimmy? Who are we rooting for most?

[art by @zrjaved]

Andrew Unterberger is a famous writer who invented the nickname 'Sauce Castillo' and is now writing for The Rights To Ricky Sanchez, as part of the 'If Not, Pick Will Convey As Two Second-Rounders' section of the site. You can follow Andrew on Twitter @AUGetoffmygold and can also read him at Billboard. 

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I swear there was a time not that long ago when there were no more than four or five ex-Sixers in the entire NBA. Dealing with ex-Process folks occupied about as much of our emotional energy as keeping up with old friends from summer camp -- maybe one was worth staying in touch with long-distance, maybe one lived nearby anyway, and maybe another 2-3 we kept tabs on over Facebook to see if they were doing anything interesting or getting increasingly unhinged politically. But now, every game is a fucking high school reunion: Oh shit, did you hear Dewayne is in Miami now? Yeah, he got transferred out there just a few months ago... crazy time, but a good work opportunity, I think he's excited... plus, you know, Andre's there too now, so that's cool... oh right, I guess they were different years?... well, I'm sure they still hung with a lot of the same crowd...

It's wild, but it's mostly fun to see all our old dudes out there and still thriving, further validating the Process and ensuring we get a stake of some degree in any number of potential championship runs. (Of the 16 teams in the playoffs currently, only the Celtics, Clippers, Lakers and Grizzlies are totally without Philly alums.) But of course, not all former Sixers were created equal, and the playoff matchups of this exciting first round forces us to play favorites among our old homeroom buddies. Here's who I'm most rooting for, ranked from "FUCK that guy, remember what a dick he was about that thing that one time?" to "Oh man, that guy? Fucking LOVE that guy, DEFINITELY tell him I said what's up next time you see him."

20. Raul Neto, Washington Wizards

Uncharitable to rank Raul dead last, but of all the dudes on this list he's the one I have the fewest feelings about. I remember him being on the Sixers and have a vague silhouette of an idea about the kind of player he was, but that's about all I recall -- the only specific memory I have of him is when that woman made a TikTok video set to WhoHeem's "Let's Link" exposing him as a cheater. No clue whether he was better or worse than I expected, whether he was playing too much or not enough, whether there was one thing he did that always drove me insane... I don't think there was a Raul Neto game, but maybe there was a Raul Neto half? I couldn't tell you who it was against, or if we won. Considering he was on the team just last year, little weird that he didn't leave more of an impression, and my having so little emotion for him leaves me confused and upset by his presence in this Wizards series. As the second-or-third-best folk-stomp alt-rock band of the early '10s once said, the opposite of love is indifference.

19. J.J. Redick, Dallas Mavericks

I didn't used to be a J.J. hater. He was never a favorite of mine, but aside from wishing a couple of his big misses were big makes, he didn't really get under my skin here the way he did with many. But a little distance goes a long way with some people, and this chapter of J.J.'s career has been particularly charmless, defined by precious little on-court success, a lot of off-court whining, and just way too much podcasting in general. When a friend asked me the other day if I wished we'd gotten J.J. back at the deadline, my reaction was only slightly less incredulous than if he'd asked if I wanted to watch Trojan War starring Will Friedle and Jennifer Love Hewitt for the first time since 7th grade. We're all different people than we were back then, man.

18. Jimmy Butler, Miami Heat

Certainly I am rooting against Jimmy Butler harder than any other person on this list. But you know how it is with certain long-time exes. You root for their downfall, you check the socials of them and their new flames obsessively for signs of potential turmoil, you spend countless hours having imaginary conversations with them in which you single-handedly dismantle their over-inflated sense of self-worth by letting them know How You Really Feel. And yet, at the strangest and most surprising times, you find yourselves defending them, missing them, just smiling at the thought of them. You went through hell with them, but they're the only other person that knows what you and they once shared. Tough to ever turn that off completely.

17. Trey Burke, Dallas Mavericks

There's two types of people in this world: Trey Burke people and Alec Burks people. If it's not clear which one I am from this ranking, it will be soon enough.

16. Mikal Bridges, Phoenix Suns

It might be better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but what really blows is to have never loved at all and then somehow still lost. Mikal seems like a nice guy, though, and I'll always feel for his mother. Good player, fun team. I won't root against him, but every corner three still hurts just a little. And he makes a lot of corner threes!

15. JaVale McGee, Denver Nuggets

You don't hear JaVale mentioned much as one of the great success stories of the Process, but not a whole lot of guys have made the jump from Hinkie salary dump deadweight to three-time NBA champion. He doesn't seem likely to play much this postseason, and that's fine; the idea of him and Joel Embiid even existing in the same playoff universe in the first place is sorta strange to think about anyway.

14. Andre Iguodala, Miami Heat

Nothing but the best for Dre, but three championships is plenty, and I really have no interest in hearing about his plans to turn his fourth into an NFT.

13. Dewayne Demon, Miami Heat

Love shoulda brought you home last April, Dewayne.

12. Timothé Luwawu-Cabarrot, Brooklyn Nets

I always knew that TLC would catch on with a new team and instantly be the perfect hand-in-glove role player that he never quite turned into here. It looked like it was happening for a month or so in Brooklyn last year when half the team was out -- but it didn't last, and now even with half the team out again for much of this year, the remaining half was still good enough to basically squeeze him out of the rotation altogether. Soon, it'll have been long enough since Philly let him go that if he ever does turn into a consistent, high-volume 3-and-D stalwart somewhere else, I might even be more amused than spiteful. TBD on that though.

11. Boban Marjanovic, Dallas Mavericks

I probably should be more sentimental about Boban than I am, considering how widely beloved he is and how much fun he could be on the court. But in truth, he wasn't here for that long, the Bobi and Tobi stuff got a little overhyped, and it does still gnaw at me that while we mostly pin the inability of the 2019 Sixers to tread water in their non-Embiid minutes against the Raptors on Greg Monroe, Boban was just as much a part of those failings. He's still a joy, and a deserved fixture of NBA culture; he's just not really My Guy like that.

10. Ersan Ilyasova, Utah Jazz

Ersan higher than Boban?? All I can say is that when E-I, E-I, uhhhhh ohhhhhhhhh's one consequential moment for the Jazz came this season -- that comically injury-stricken game he started against the Lakers where he hit five threes in the first quarter -- I was absolutely goddamn delighted. Delighted for the Utah Jazz! Not many folks could inspire that, but I still think very fondly of Ersan: a two-time Process Sixer, the guy whose frontcourt presence helped unlock freshman Joel Embiid, and the guy who returned in Joel's sophomore year to help the team rip off 16 straight to close the season. You never wanted to rely on him any more than you ever wanted to rely on a guy perpetually available for free during buyout season, but you always love having him around, because you can bring him in at any age and chances are pretty decent he'll hit five threes in the first quarter of his first start. I can think of at least one guy in our rotation this season that I'd much rather have seen Ilyasova in instead, but I won't say his name because Zainab worked really hard on the art for this list.

9. Lou Williams, Atlanta Hawks

Maybe my all-time least favorite Sixer when he was here, but Sweet Lou in Atlanta just feels right. Honestly, that Rondo/Williams trade was one of the great social goods done for NBA fans this season -- both just fit so much better where they are now, and make their teams seem exponentially more logical as a result. Hope Lou gets his own verse on Culture III as long as he's there.

8. Robert Covington, Portland Trail Blazers

I'll never not love RoCo, but I can't say I necessarily miss him all that much these days -- Danny Green has been both more reliable and more infuriating in the Cov spot this year, and while he helped give the team its on-court identity in his years here, he never really did a ton to define its personality off the court. Meanwhile his numbers in Portland seem, um, pretty modest this season, and I feel like every Blazers game I watch, he goes 2-9 and gets toasted at least once or twice on defense. I'd greatly enjoy seeing him play a big part in a surprise Blazers run this postseason, but greatly enjoying seeing Cov play much of anything is starting to feel like a pretty distant memory.

7. Josh Richardson, Dallas Mavericks

I can't really justify remembering J-Rich as fondly as I do, given how little he ultimately accomplished here before netting us Seth Curry in an off-season trade. I dunno man. I still feel like he could've had a real role on this team, even if I'm not entirely sure what. And he did hit some big shots, even if I couldn't really tell you which. And he looks cool I guess? Don't have a particularly good explanation, but maybe that's why I'm rooting for him to have a breakout performance in these playoffs -- if I can see him become something in Dallas, maybe it'll help me figure out exactly what I think he could have been here, and a sort of closure might follow from there.

6. Ish Smith, Washington Wizards

Considering he had already played on 19 NBA teams before coming to the Sixers, it's sorta funny how much it feels like Ish Smith was an invention of the Process -- like he barely even existed as an NBA player or concept before he was twice brought in by Sam Hinkie (once possibly under duress) to offer some semblance of coherence to the Sixers' offense. As a solution, Ish was real and immediate, though ultimately about as long-lasting as a couple of Advil -- and as an adversary, he's just good enough to make you wistful for the things he did right for the Liberty Ballers, but just flawed enough that you never really wish he was still here doing them. The day he finally runs out of new teams to play for will be a sad day indeed.

5. Alec Burks, New York Knicks

He may have had a couple bad games against the Celtics in the playoffs, but we basically broke up with Alec Burks while still in the honeymoon phase -- three 20-plus-point games in his last four regular season contests as a Sixer -- and that's proven pretty tough for me to get over. We might not have room for another Shake Milton on our team, and I'm still mostly good with the one we have, but goddamn if Shake could have one playoff performance as good as Burks clutch 27-point outing for New York against Atlanta on Sunday, I could die happy (and then be buried in my Milton #18 jersey). Nothing in the world makes Daryl Morey happier than re-signing a free agent guard who he once let slip away, so maybe he and Alec will have a couple conversations over coffee and cronuts in the offseason. Daryl's treat.

4. Dario Saric, Phoenix Suns

When Dario got jettisoned from Minnesota to Phoenix -- then in the gnarliest stages of a seemingly endless rebuild -- it seemed like there was a not totally insignificant chance that the portion of Dario's pro career spent as a relevant player might already be over. Luckily for all of us, he was revitalized in Phoenix as a backup small ball five, and his klumpy flumping is now once again a glorious spectacle of national concern. He might even have decent odds at the moment of being the first member of the Process' original Core Four to make the finals; by then, he'll probably be so tanned and/or sunburnt that his Suns jersey might look more like a tattoo on his torso. I'm pumped for it.

3. Landry Shamet, Brooklyn Nets

Looking pretty likely that I'm gonna owe the culpa-est of mea culpas to Tobias Harris by the end of this postseason, and that's a good thing. But as long as sweet, sweet Landry is still draining threes with impunity somewhere, I'll still be running a tiny victory lap in my head while doing so.

2. Nerlens Noel, New York Knicks

Nerlens Noel and Julius Randle sharing a starting frontcourt together: In 2015, it would've been the stuff of ultimate Process fantasy, but a half-decade later it seemed like a Leon Rose and John Calipari punchline of pure LOL Knicksiness. The fact that it went as well as it did was one of the few truly beautiful subplots of this absolutely dreadful regular season, and Nerlens closing out the Celtics in Game 72 to ensure a Heat-less path to the Conference Finals for the 76ers was one of the greatest gifts from the Dark Process Gods we could have ever prayed for. If you think I'm above bringing a NERLENS NOEL WAS TRADED FOR A FAKE DRAFT PICK sign to a Sixers championship parade, you have not been reading this column for very long.

1. Jrue Holiday, Milwaukee Bucks

You know the stock scene in the gangster movie where the old boss is about to be killed by one of his old friends turned rivals, and they say something along the lines of "I'm glad it's you"? (Maybe this scene isn't actually that stock, but I'm not sure if anyone is really here for me making specific Road to Perdition references.) Anyway, that'll be me for Jrue Holiday if we have to lose at some point in these Eastern Conference Finals -- I won't be OK with it, but I really wouldn't be OK with it coming at the hands of anyone else. Jrue is still the guy that started it all for us, whose trade brought us Nerlens and Dario and really the Process entire, and he's still one of my favorite players in the league to watch. Really, he's the only ex-Sixer who doesn't even make me mad when he goes off against us -- when he stones Tobias, forces a bad pass, picks it off and then takes it the other way for two, I just want to tussle his hair and go "Oh, Jrue...." Better believe that every time he does it to Brooklyn in the second round, I'll be whooping it up like it's still 2012. Too late to get Evan Turner back on Milwaukee's bench as their 15th man, too?