Enemies of the Process: 2020 Edition
Who is Process Enemy #1?
With time comes perspective, and with every year, a clearer look at the villains who have impeded our progress all along. Thus, Rights to Ricky Sanchez presents our third (mostly) annual Enemies of the Process rankings, looking at the 15 figures who are most responsible this year for the misery inflicted upon and bile brewing within Sixers fans. It's an appropriate start to our Enemies Week here at RTRS, which will also see us ranking all 29 other NBA teams by our enmity towards them. It's a long offseason; without our simmering hate to keep us warm, we'd never survive the winter.
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15. Glenn Robinson III
Of course, the fact that we were saying things in the Celtics series like "The Sixers could really be in trouble here if Glenn Robinson III can't get healthy enough for rotation minutes" meant that we probably never had a chance like the first place. Still, that GRIII never made it to the postseason -- and didn't exactly seem to be dying to get back on the court for the Sixers in the first place -- was the final flick of the ear from the midseason acquisition, whose Sixers tenure was otherwise defined by his inexplicably long journey to get here, his 0-10 three-point shooting over his first eight games as a Sixer, and his grousing about not having a defined role in Brett Brown's rotation. "The Sixers could really be in trouble if they don't re-sign Glenn Robinson III" will not likely be much of a talking point this offseason. -- ANDREW UNTERBERGER
14. Jayson Tatum
At the time of the trade, virtually everyone in Sixers world was convinced that Fultz was a lock to make a handful of All-Star teams, and Tatum was a long-two chucking loser. Tatum, of course, wildly surpassing expectations right from the jump and led the rival Celtics to the Conference Finals as a rookie, while Fultz was trying to re-learn how to shoot a ball. The Tatum trade was the beginning of the Sixers' unraveling, and he'll have plenty of chances over the next decade to rub it in on behalf of their biggest rival -- powering the Celtics to a Philly sweep this postseason, averaging 27 and 10 for the series and disavowing Process Trusters of the notion that Joel Embiid was clearly the best player in the series. -- MIKE O'CONNOR
13. Tobias Harris' Contract
There is always the contract that everyone says is the worst contract in the NBA, that for one year, when it's expiring, becomes the best contract in the NBA. We should call this the Eddy Curry Award (my descent into becoming a shitty version of Bill Simmons is complete now). I'm proud to announce we've got only three years until Tobias Harris has the best contract in the NBA. Tobias is a pretty good player and seems to be an outstanding guy, and by the time an incoming freshman graduates with a four-year college degree, the Sixers will be done paying him the most possible money any team could have paid Tobias Harris. -- SPIKE ESKIN
12. COVID-19
Our fuckboy Sixers were waiting all season long to flip the switch. They barely left the hotel for road games. But in the unfriendly confines of The Center Formerly Known As Wells Fargo, with thousands of bullying fans who showed up already angry because of congestion on 76 and the lack of any quick, dribbly human who can touch their toes? The home crowd left the arena with the Sixers' lunch money and a win every game but two. The ONE THING WE HAD was that we could threaten them at home to win or else. One of the most dangerous things to teach a Philadelphia home crowd. And what happens, but a once-in-a-century pandemic that forces them to do a bubble in Markelle Fultz's Orlando and keep all Philly fans except Kyle O'Quinn out of the gym entirely. It's not first on my list of grievances I have with this fucking pandemic, but it's up there. -- MIKE LEVIN
11. Mainstream Philadelphia Media Composite Guy
Truth told, the MPMCG hasn't been as present this year as he has in years past -- aside from the hot-takers occasionally reaching back to lay the Sixers' current crapulence at the feet of the Hinkie administration, there isn't a particularly huge gulf separating what an old-school Sixers beat reporter and a very online Sixers blogger has to say about the team in 2020. Still, it has to make an appearance on the list, if for no other reason than the fact that esteemed MPMCG rep Keith Pompey has been working overtime this offseason to trumpet the causes of the Sixers' front office, discarding Brett, blaming analytics and flirting recklessly with any number of prospective management hires. Pretty gross, though I suppose we do have to respect the content -- lord knows we wouldn't have much else to talk about these past two months otherwise. -- AU
10. Al Horford
You know I still can't totally fault them for the Al Horford signing, since I probably would've paid close to $109 million just to steal him from the Celtics and keep him stapled to the Sixers bench. (Then again, the general "I dunno, it'd be pretty funny, right?" reasoning behind 65% of my proposed moves will probably be the undoing of my NBA front office career.) But while you could argue whose contract is worse between Horford and Harris, you can't really argue which one feels like the sorer thumb for this team on or off the court -- Horf doesn't really fit on this roster in terms of play style or personality, and the things he was supposed to bring to the Sixers in terms of toughness, leadership and playoff savvy just ended up underlining how lacking those were qualities across the entire roster, him included. And every time he does that frustration-clap after missing a bunny down low, he moves one spot up this list. -- AU
9. Jimmy Butler
That there are eight enemies ahead of Jimmy Butler on this list just shows how high Sixer fan frustrations are with the franchise itself right now, to the point where there doesn't even seem to be a point in addressing external enemies until the internal ones are properly dealt with. Still, as far as an opposing foe goes, we'll never have a worthier adversary than Jimmy: a vindictive and insufferable former Sixer who never wastes an opportunity to throw I'm Not Saying I'm Just Saying shade at his former organization, while continuing to poison our best player with promises of South Beach and Real Winning Culture. And of course, he had to go and lead Miami on a historic finals run this season -- just to be a dick, and to ensure that WOW THE SIXERS FUCKED UP was always as much of a trending finals topic as anything to do with the Heat or Lakers. -- AU
8. J.J. Redick + "Tommy"
If I'm being entirely honest, I put these two above people who have objectively been much more detrimental to the downfall of the Sixers -- but I couldn't help myself. These two people make me viscerally angry every time I think about them, and this was my avenue to express that. Why does JJ Redick get to have a podcast? Who on earth is Tommy? Will we figure out who Tommy is before we find out who Detrick's burnergate source was? Was Tommy Detrick's burnergate source? -- SIXERS ADAM
7. Bryan Colangelo
Colangelo got the job through a sham of a search, bled the organization of assets for two years, acquired almost nothing of value, trashed the players on Twitter, and hired a bunch of people who would later pay Tobias Harris and Al Horford $289 million -- a legacy which continues to torture the Sixers well into the 2020s. Oh, and lest we forget, the primary selling point of hiring him was that he would handle relationships with media and agents better than Sam Hinkie did, but he rarely met with the media, and the relationships around the league evidently did not help his job performance (or, ultimately, his ability to stay in office). -- MOC
6. Ourselves
"Is it our fault?" Of course it is. It's our team, our Process, our karma. We spent the past seven years making everything to do with this franchise all about us first and foremost, so how can we shirk responsibility now that everything's gone to shit? The Colangelo hiring, the Tobias trade, the fallout with Brett, the Celtics sweep -- we could have stopped it all if we'd really tried, but we were too busy infighting over Ben's shooting and whether Landry Shamet ever would have grown into a competent wing defender. Anyway, might be time for a sequel billboard: HiNKIE FOREVER, THE REST OF US NEVER. -- AU
5. Alex Rucker / Team Collaborative GM
We had a person in charge of basketball operations who was so obsessed with the public perception of him, the job he was doing, and his Italian shirts, that it brought down his entire career. Luckily, the team kept literally every person who worked for him, some of whom were similarly obsessed with the public narrative regarding the job they were doing (cough, Alex Rucker, cough). Don't forget: The lot of them, plus the two majority owners, and Elton Brand who had literally just got there, put their heads together to turn Robert Covington, Dario Saric, two first round picks, two second round picks, Landry Shamet and JJ Redick's cap space into $300 million of Tobias Harris and Al Horford and Josh Richardson. -- SE
4. Jerry Colangelo
We've talked about Jerry enough. Took over the team via Skype, forced out Hinkie to hire his son, lied about having nothing to do with the hiring process which claimed to interview 75 candidates in a day and a half, etc. But I don't think this part is talked about enough: If Jerry had just come in wearing a robe & slippers, hit the buffet, orchestrated a C- Ish Smith trade, and insisted the practice facility only play Frankie Valli music while cashing that paycheck, none of this would've happened. All he had to do was be the cool old guy. But he didn't want to be the cool old guy. He wanted to fucking suck. -- ML
3. Adam Silver
While the Adam Silver Victory Lap continues after a successful restart in the bubble -- though I admit, the praise is deserved here -- it remains nearly unconscionable what he did to Sam Hinkie and the Sixers. To step in on behalf of a team's basketball operations department as the commissioner alone is grounds for outrage. To do it to force in an old, problematic, incompetent fool like Jerry Colangelo, who saw the opportunity as nothing more than an avenue to find work for his doofus son, is unbelievably harmful. Adam Silver did not give up on Jimmy Butler or sign Al Horford and Tobias Harris. But he remains responsible for everything that has gone wrong with the Sixers since the Colangelo heist. -- SA
2. Josh Harris + David Blitzer
While neither of them may be the most viscerally hateable person in our universe, to me it remains unquestionable that the people who are most actively harmful to all of this are Josh Harris and David Blitzer. After cowering in fear and leaving Sam Hinkie out to dry, they have done nothing but continue to display that they care more about the bottom line and their perception than they do about winning an NBA championship. From their absurd pleas for a taxpayer-funded new arena, to their pathetic attempt to use the COVID-19 pandemic as an excuse to cut their workers' salaries while simultaneously making a bid to buy New York Mets, to every other time they have embarrassed themselves, Josh Harris and David Blitzer remain to me the ultimate Enemies of The Process. -- SA
1. Scott O'Neil
I've already said enough on the podcast to be flirting with a spot on the FBI watch list. Scott, at this present moment, is the worst character in all of the Sixers Universe. He's somehow each of the characters in Succession simultaneously. He baldly takes credit (via leaks to reporters) for all the good stuff -- including, somehow, the Process Sixers having a cult following. remarkable brain -- and he will knife anyone (via leaks to reporters) who he wants to pin the bad stuff on. "Analytics" was the problem when they decided to start eight power forwards. Hinkie had the gall to want to trade the Rookie of the Year before he cemented himself as the 9th man on an 8-seed, and Scott lost his goddamn mind because he already printed the pamphlets. And everyone knows this! No one reading this article does not know this! And the owners don't give a fuck because he got them a few million for a patch on the jersey. Sick, dude. Fucking rad. You're the patch king.
Fact is, I idolize Scott. For having ripped out the part of himself with the capacity to feel self-aware. Just filled to the brim, like a jelly donut made by a 4-year-old, with a constant sense of self-satisfaction while ignoring every other piece of evidence to the contrary that you're a Wambsgansy piece of shit. There is no greater enemy to The Process than Scott O'Neil. He will wear it as a badge of honor, and then take credit for coming up with the idea in the first place. -- ML