Daryl, Do Not Fuck Up The Sixers By Trading For A Selfish Asshole

Listen up, President Spreadsheet.

This column is written by Spike Eskin (@spikeeskin) and is brought to you by the Official Realtor of The Process, Adam Ksebe.

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As the Philadelphia 76ers glide through their most enjoyable stretch of basketball in at least six years, and Daryl Morey sits high upon his Camden perch with a few extra first round picks burning a hole in his pocket, President Spreadsheet has to be very careful.

Daryl, I say this with the utmost respect, as a person who respects you and your work. Do not fuck this team up by trading for some selfish asshole. No matter how much plugging his stats into your championship super computer may tell you that the team will have a 3% better chance of winning the title, please consider the vibes. Consider the culture. Use the eye test. 

It’s 11pm on a Wednesday, and I’m still all juiced up from watching Robert “Our Guy Who Is Back On The Sixers” Covington hit a big three down the stretch as the Sixers beat the Celtics to take the current first spot in the Eastern Conference. I’m going to be up all night worrying about this.

We’ve all been through seasons, even moments earlier this offseason, when the Sixers themselves were lying or we were lying to ourselves about immaculate vibes. Mike’s long requested Napa trip never happened, as we took every on-court high five to convince each other that everyone was getting along. But it is clearly different this year. No assholes. No selfish dickheads.

The ‘Bucks trading for Jrue Holiday’ kinda thing should be the vibe. Getting a great player, in his prime, at the position of need, who is a great team guy isn’t always easy, you say? Well that’s what you get paid for. No half measures this year. 

Morey has a history of acquiring players simply because their talent seemed to justify an increase in title odds, even if their personalities may suggest otherwise. Whether it was James Harden in Philadelphia, Dwight Howard in both Houston and Philadelphia, or Ty Lawson in Houston, Morey has exuded the sort of “culture doesn’t matter only talent does” bullshit that we were parroting during the Hinkie years. We were wrong, he is wrong. 

Fake teams don’t win titles. The Suns are not going to win the title this year. The Nets were never going to win a title. The Kawhi Clippers will never win a title. The Lebron era Miami Heat didn’t win a title until they became a real team. The Sixers are becoming a real team. Don’t fuck it up, Daryl.

Whether the Sixers use those draft picks prior to this year’s trade deadline, or the picks and available cap space this Summer, this team needs the proper culture fit. Joel Embiid, the league MVP and the team’s best player, is not a powerful emotional force. He will sop up any loser energy that surrounds him (see: Harden, James). To get the best out of Embiid you have to surround him with the best. 

To be quite honest, and I know this will make me sound like a loser for the 50th time, I’d rather go down swinging with some guys who are busting their asses and playing together, than increase the odds nominally by adding more talent that isn’t the correct culture fit. 

The Sixers are 6-1, and a likable 6-1. We’re having fun again. Let’s not ruin it.