The Ten Biggest Questions Facing Live Ricky IV

Will the dog bed people leave as stars once again?

[art by the great @digrupert]

Andrew Unterberger is a famous writer who invented the nickname 'Sauce Castillo' and is now writing for The Rights To Ricky Sanchez, as part of the 'If Not, Pick Will Convey As Two Second-Rounders' section of the site. You can follow Andrew on Twitter @AUGetoffmygold and can also read him at Billboard. 

Andrew's writing is brought to you by Kinetic Skateboarding! Not only the Ricky's approved skate shop, but the best place to get Chucks, Vans, any apparel. Use code "DAVESILVER" for 9.1% off your order.

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Only one day left until Live Ricky IV -- which, in the grand historic tradition of IVs (Rocky IV, Led Zeppelin IV, the band DIIV) is guaranteed to be the best one yet. Already, kids are skipping school and grown ups are calling in sick to the non-existent jobs that in theory they should have by now, just to line up around the corner from the Franklin Music Hall in their Hollis Thompson throwbacks and Grow the Orchard, Sam tees. Tomorrow night, for the second time in three weeks, it’s going to be both a full moon and Friday the 13th. 

Indeed, the breathless anticipation as the hours count down to Mike Scott o’clock has swept up the entire city of Philadelphia. And good thing, considering the Phillies are officially bad, the Eagles are bringing in Todd Pinkston for workouts, the dominant Sixers story line is somehow still about Markelle Fultz, and as far as I can tell the Flyers season still doesn’t start for another four months. Here are the ten questions on everyone’s mind, as the Ricky faithful officially crank into ONE MORE SLEEP gear. 

1. What bizarre chant will sweep the crowd?

We’re almost certainly due for a handful of “MIKE! SCOTT! HIVE!”s, and we’re probably still not yet totally out of “NOR-MAL COL-LAR!” range either. But what about the more off-the-board choices? I’d like to believe there’s a shot for “JAMES ENNIS GROUP,” but the rhythm is a little too weird (and the naming rights for JEG are still too unsettled/controversial). Can we squeeze “APPRECIATORS” into a four-syllable clap? How about a “NO-MORE-PEA-NUTS?” Whatever it is, it’ll magically be something everyone arrives at organically and simultaneously.

2. How long can Killakow’s Bill Simmons segment go before the crowd starts to turn on him?

Honestly, the answer to this question would’ve been totally different before the latest Malcolm Gladwell episode. That controversy -- which caused any self-respecting Process Truster to reflexively turn to KK’s twitter, like Americans tuning into Walter Cronkite after the JFK assassination -- must’ve bought him an extra couple minutes’ worth of material before anyone started getting antsy. Are we sure that Jerry Sandusky isn’t having a moment?

3. What will be the funniest Sixers shirt/jersey/shirsey in attendance?

A 2020 season-modeled Spencer Hawes or Joe Johnson jersey would be pretty good. Maybe a shirt of Andrei Kirilneko saying “I’m on the shirt”? Is Summer League Korkmaz already out of date? Would we make exceptions to our strict no-Celtics policy for a C’s Enes Kanter jersey that had “(is Boston’s starting center)” written on the back underneath the name?

FRIDAY! FRIDAY! 29.99 in advance, $35 at the door!

4. Who will be the biggest breakout performer of the evening, the person getting the tattoo or one of the two people lying on the Big Barker Dog Beds?

Laugh if you want, but the two dudes who napped on the Big Barker Therapeutics at Franklin Music Hall last year left that building as stars. Unfortunately for whoever fills that role this year, there’ll be competition for the spotlight this time out with the person sacrificing their body in homage to Mike Scott and the Ricky (if we get the paperwork issues cleared up). No matter how it turns out, though, at least the Dog Bed crew can take comfort in knowing they had the far more palliative viewing experience than the poor soul getting ink seared into their flesh for a bloodthirsty audience of 1,000.

5. How good will “Imagine the Process” sound when sung by a member of the Paul Green Rock Academy band?

Only one way to find out, and I certainly hope the young lady responsible for it takes us there.

6. Which longtime RTRS heel will show up just to get booed?

This question of course counts both Andrew Sharp and Howard Eskin as givens, as they no doubt had this date circled on their calendar since Mike Scott was just a gleam in the Los Angeles Clippers’ eye. Which Enemy of the Process will make their first-time appearance, though? Malcolm Brogdon might be the sentimental favorite -- feels like Spike and Mike have spent the entire summer trying to speak that one into existence -- but I’m holding out for Drew Hanlen, maybe even doing a Bash Brothers salute with Dr. Daniel Medina. Take your overdue laps of shame, cowards.

7. What new Mike Scott catchphrase will come of his appearance?

You know there’ll be one -- something to join the proud lineage of “I ain’t no bitch,” “Cashed out” and “Jack no ice,” becoming an iconic part of Sixers lore before anyone even has time to tweet about it. I won’t insult the legacy here by trying to predict what it might be; I just hope Mike Scott has his merch team ready and mobilized for as soon as it happens. He can double his seasonal salary overnight. 

8. What truthbomb will Mike Scott let slip that’s actually relevant to the Sixers season?

Dario Saric set the precedent last year by admitting publicly -- for the first time, I believe -- that he would not be particularly OK with coming off the bench for Brett Brown last season. It was a revelation that almost certainly would have factored into one of the more pressing subplots of the Sixers’ season had they not traded the Homie 13 games in. Maybe Mike Scott would like to see some PT as a big ball two-guard? Maybe he plans to wear his head tie until Adam Silver himself agrees to fight him for it? Maybe he has the scoop on how Tobias Harris finished higher than Al Horford in the ESPN 100 rankings? Philly bloggers, stay by your smartphones tomorrow night.

9. What will be the “Uh oh, are we starting to go too far?” moment?

Last year, we probably got there around the time the Book of the Banned readings hit a fever pitch. (Sorry Doris, we still respect you as a person and as a professional, even though You Remain Banned.) Only Our Once and Always Dark Lord knows when said moment will come this year, but it’s the tension of that moment -- of getting right up to the precipice of “oh boy I hope the pictures and audio tonight don’t make us sound like some kind of terrible rally,” and then dialing it back down just before it gets totally weird -- that makes the evening so electric. Well, that and all the rippin’ guitar solos. 

10. Will the surprise special guest be either Sam Hinkie or Joel Embiid?

No. But maybe! But no. (no - ed.)